Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Oh Happy Day

Today is the National Day of Happiness. I love these superfluous little holidays, because they give us a reason to celebrate an otherwise ordinary day. (National Pie Day, anyone?!)

Every day should really be a practice in celebrating happiness (or pie). This whole blog has featured my happiness or lack thereof in some cases. I figured instead I’d focus today on some of the people who make me happy, and what makes them happy. It’s a full circle, it seems, as most of them cited spending time with loved ones as the thing that makes them happiest.

And so here you have it, the things that bring happiness to the people who bring me happiness:

“I’m happiest when I am contributing to a cause that matters to me, whatever it may be.” – Grace, the middle Dewey, teacher and wise soul

“Observing intellectual/educated policies and thought defeat anti-intellectualism and willful ignorance in pubic (sic) discourse. And, of course, puppies.” – Liz, the Cornell grad student

“Lots make me happy, like being with the people I love, good wine and traveling, but I’m most satisfied and truly happy when I’m growing in every aspect of my life and not being stagnant or complacent.” – Sarah, the publicist/event planner extraordinaire

“I get happy when I get a text message from a guy I hoped would text me. (Lame, but true.)” – Soco, social worker

“Happiness is waking up on a Saturday morning to a clear, crisp day knowing you can spend it with the ones you love, going to the beach or going on a bike ride.” – Emily, the Cal Poly student and always-happy little Dewey (We Deweys love our bike rides.)

“Knowing that I can brighten someone’s day by helping them makes me happy.” – Alexis, high school student (and future fashion designer!)

"Happiness, for me, is walking my dog. That, and doing something for somebody else." -- Stacey, TV superstar

“When doctors write prescriptions of Feriva and also when pharmacies stock it!” – Katie, pharmaceutical sales rep and my adventure partner

"Seeing my son's eyes light up when I enter the room makes me happy."-- Bev, amazing mom of my favorite little boy

“Happiness is when I’m surrounded by people I love. That’s it.” – Kate, fashion designer

“Helping people.” – Jess, occupational therapist

“A table of my favorite people with dinner and wine.” –Mandy, UCLA public policy grad student/talented private cook




Friday, March 15, 2013

A Matter of Time

Had I not bailed on my Saturday night plans (sorry, Jill!) I would've missed this.
It was on the drive back from a very impromptu weekend trip with one of my closest, oldest friends. We had dropped everything at 5 p.m. on a Saturday night to take advantage of an unexpectedly luxurious (and free!) weekend getaway. And in the car the next day as we moved along the Pacific Coast Highway back toward L.A., she said, “I’m just surprised you didn’t have plans and were able to get away this weekend.”

Me? Not have plans? Please. I plan in my dreams, and she knows it. “Oh, I had to bail on my plans last night,” I told her. And though I’d felt a little guilty, one doesn’t just pass up a free night in Newport Beach at one of the nicest resorts in the U.S. “I also was supposed to go to a movie today, but that fell through anyway.”

I don’t know exactly how it happened, but the next thing I knew as I was driving along was that Katie was in my passenger seat glimpsing into my world. My very color-coded, full, and until now fairly private world. That is, the one documented in my master calendar.

Tangerine for meetings requiring prep work. Purple for social events. Green for personal appointments. Teal for travel. The entries have notes, lists of items to bring, reminder alerts and location addresses. She saw my calendar entry for that day: “Matinee With C.” She lit up with glee, so excited she could barely contain herself. I was uncomfortable for a second, unsure where this was headed.

“I am so excited! I feel like I’ve gotten a glimpse into your inner workings! I’ve always known you worked like this, and now I know how you do it!” I am pretty sure she actually clapped her hands. No joke. I’m not overusing exclamation points here, either.

She explained that she’s always known when I plan to do something on a given day, I will do it. And so when we make plans for a certain day, it’s important she follow through. For example, when I asked her to go on a road trip with me on April 27, she was straightforward. Instead of blindly committing, she said she wanted to go but wasn’t sure she could commit to that weekend. I appreciated this and we proceeded to have an hour-long conversation about my calendar, of all things.

And as we talked about it, I realized something very important. Katie asked how I had developed this trait, so I thought about it.

When I was young and awkward and all the things no one wants to be as a freshman in high school, I would get excited if someone wanted to hang out with me. I had very few true friends, but occasionally I’d find myself laughing and talking with one of the girls in my class. Afterward, she would say, “We should do something sometime!”

At first, they were the best words in the world, this promise that perhaps there was a budding friendship about to happen. That maybe I could stop reading alone by myself during lunch time and instead be normal and fun and happy.

But the disappointment would set in as time passed. I realized that phrase was not a promise, nor was it even sincere. If someone wants to hang out with you, they just do. They set aside a time for you and they follow through. They don’t use vague terms like “we should do something sometime.”

I vowed at an early age that I would not say I’d spend time with someone unless I intended to follow through. Sure, I’ve been guilty from time to time. I try really hard to understand that some (most?) people do not operate this way. But as for me? I never want to be the cause of anyone feeling the way I felt as a fat and discouraged freshman in high school.

So that’s part of why my calendar looks the way it does. It does mean I have to step outside of my comfort zone to be spontaneous (which is something I’m learning to be more and more). It does mean I’m almost always busy. But it’s because I don’t want to forget a commitment. I don’t want someone to think they are not important to me or that someone else is better than they are.

It’s amazing to me that so much of the way I run my everyday life stems from feeling undervalued as a kid. All I can do now is make sure that the people in my life don’t feel undervalued by me. It’s just how I work.

I will never be able to make it to every event (FOMO, anyone?), and I will probably flake from time to time (still sorry about your birthday 2 years ago, KH). But one of the ways I can show people I care is with my time.

Again, I do know not everyone works this way. But every one of you does have some special way to show those around you that you care. So own it. Do it. Make sure the people around you are seen and known. Just do it, because you really never know when it could make all the difference.



Monday, March 4, 2013

From the Outside In



When I was about 7, I was the girl who’d sit for hours scrawling out lists of potential names for each of her dolls. Or compiling my birthday party guest list. Or listing titles for the books I wanted to write. Places I wanted to visit. My favorite book characters. And so on.

These days, the lists are a bit more tangible. Like most adults, I write out to-do lists (both for work and home), and grocery lists, maybe the occasional “wish list” for apartment décor or whatever.

The other day, I took a nice break from these boring and responsible lists and went back to the day-dreaming lists of my youth.

I found myself listing each of the things that make me happy as they came to mind, from the obvious to the unexpected. The ocean’s waves and soft roar, bright fingernail polish, Webster, texts from my siblings, wine with my girlfriends. I didn’t list them in order of priority, but the first thing I wrote down was “Being known by my foster kids.”
Some of my favorite girls. Photo by Socorro Reynoso.

To be clear, I don’t actually have my own foster kids. But if you know me at all, you know that most Saturdays over the past few years I have“volunteered” at a program for kids affected by the foster care system. (And please, this isn’t the place for any praise about how great it is I do this. That’s not the point.)

When I first showed up for the program in early 2010, I was so intimated. I didn’t know a single person, but it was clear the others had formed a sort of family among themselves. They were friendly but unfamiliar to me. Most of the kids viewed me as an outsider. Not in a rude way, but it was clear I was not one of them.

Not only was I new without anyone to vouch for me, but it was also one of the few times in my entire life I had been around so many people who were black. Yeah, I went there. It’s not that I have a problem with being around people who are mostly of different ethnicities, but it is disconcerting, something to which I’m not generally accustomed.

Regardless, I knew I was committed. One of the main issues with foster care is that it doesn’t provide a sense of stability. I wasn’t going to be another adult to slip in and out of the lives of these kids. So I kept going, and I got to know everyone.

But even though I quickly learned the names of so many kids and most of the adults, it took some kids a while to even recognize me as a returning volunteer, much less to remember my name.

This year, we’ve turned a corner. Kids of all ages call my name as soon as I see them. They tease me, they hug me, they ask about my life.They know me, and I know them. I have grown with these kids. I’ve watched as some of the little kids become not so little (and not so wily). I’ve seen some of the older ones go through struggles they have worked to overcome.

And they’ve watched me go from being a little uncomfortable in my own skin to feeling like I’m completely myself around them. They’ve watched me go from being there just to be there, to consciously trying to learn and listen and contribute and be my best self for them.

It’s an interesting thing to be known by them. To be seen, and heard and mostly understood by these kids. In some cases, I had to work for it. And it was worth it.

So when I list things that make me the happiest, they are at the top because, when I’m with them, they feel like my home.